also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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