I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
