Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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