Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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