I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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