I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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