I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just threw up on my dentist
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
