does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
