Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
