Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
