Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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