the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
