Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Enjoy the penises
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize