Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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