it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
