Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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