...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
