I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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