Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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