so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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