So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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