ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
