I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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