please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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