I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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