The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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