You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
