i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
