just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
this just has baby written all over it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
