I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
