i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
