When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
