Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
