I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
