Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
