i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
