Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
