Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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