you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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