two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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