I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
is this the sara with the beer cane?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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