Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
