I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
