I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
