This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
