Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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