I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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