We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
