If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
