i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
