apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
