Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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