I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
