so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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