My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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