Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
