im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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