i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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