Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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