so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i came on her dog
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He literally asked permission to hit on me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
