You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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