apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize