textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
These tits shall not be calmed
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
