It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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