YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
