He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
