Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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