I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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