I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
