Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize